Living in the future

A few years ago when I was looking for a job I was a bit of a mess. I was doing fine at my gig, but I wasn't investing my whole self into it - far from it. I was kind of gliding along and hoping that the next job I worked at would be the one - the one where I finally attained a level of status and respect that I wanted to compensate for how little of those qualities I had within myself.

That was an illusion. I wasn't ever present in the now, back then. I was always in the future, thinking ahead, planning what was next... and being incredibly ignorant of what was happening all around me.

I took myself completely out of the present. I deluded myself with a made-up story about how perfect things would be... when I got that  job. And that story was so good that it made my current situation, my present, seem... terrible. Wasteful. Awful.

There are many times I feel the present is really uncomfortable. It happens. I find that if I take the time to separate what is actually happening from my reactions - my patterns I've lived with all my life, my assumptions, my worst case scenarios - I get closer to understanding the context of myself in the present. And then I can work with myself to get the most out of this very moment. This beautiful, wondrous moment.